Geez

I'm such a good blogger... Negative. I'm the worst. I'm still struggling with the exact same problems I was facing a month ago! I am at 47 lbs down, which is the exact same as last week. I really am not complaining  about that though, because I have literally seen the scale go up 8 lbs this week, and then, thankfully, inch back down. It's been a long week. There is so much going on around here and I have eased up on the whole diet thing tremendously! If I haven't been forcing the family to go on a walk with me after dinner this week I would probably be up by quite a bit this week. I have let my measuring cups collect dust, and I hate that. Those little guys are such a big part of my success so far, and I hate ignoring them when I know that they work!
 I have a goal of 50 by next week. It's ambitious, but I can do it. I KNOW I can. I still have enough meat on these bones to lose 3 lbs in one week. It just means pushing myself, not eating crap, and breaking out a dust rag for those cups.

Bum Knee & New Goals

 I had to go to the Dr. today for him to take 5 minutes, examine my knee, and tell me to wear a brace when I work out. Man I'm an easy patient :) He was waaay more impressed with the number on the scale than anything else! It's really good to hear him be so excited for me, because I need a boost lately. I've been seriously allowing myself to slide, and it's not lookin' pretty. I've lost 44 lbs in 21 weeks, which is GREAT! but when you start to lose momentum and see .2 losses (or worse, gains!) it makes no difference how much I've lost or how quickly, and relatively easy it's come off.
 So I need a goal. I've thought a lot about it. I really wanted to be down 50 by our 8 year anniversary (this weekend) and that ain't happening. BUT I definitely can be before my mom gets here on the 16th! 6 lbs in 2.5 weeks is doable for me. It's important to me. It's a number I haven't seen in over 5 years. GEEZ!! It means getting back to tracking. It means throwing away all the crappy food I've let slip through the door this month. It means controlling myself and pushing a little bit more. Maybe I'll start daily weighing again. That really kept me honest. Maybe I'll lose my mind and start saying numbers on here. That would make me cry...

Such a Bad Blogger.

 I think about this blog a lot, but right now there just isn't a lot to say. I'm stalling out ON MY OWN. I'm doing it to myself, this much I know. For two weeks I've had the hardest time reigning it in or moving more, and it is sheer laziness on my part. I am 6.2 lbs away from 50. FIFTY. 5-0. Why on earth would I be sabotaging my efforts right now?! I haven't measured in about three weeks either. I confessed all of this to the husband last night and told him "Tomorrow (because we were going to start June 1st) we are waking up and doing this 100 workout I found on Pinterest." True to form, he was dragging my butt out of bed at 6:57 this morning to get outside and get moving. It really was a great way to start the morning. We'll see how June progresses, and what happens to me, even if it's just sweating to pieces!

Real Weight and Cinnamon Toast Crunch

 Whew! I said yesterday had to be attributed to those (amazing, delicious, I fully plan on bringing a 20 with me to the next game and eating four of them by myself) darn bacon on a sticks. I'm happy to say I was right this time! Okay, I like saying I was right all the time. It's my one flaw :) This morning I was blown away on the scale. I since last week I have lost 2.4 for a total of 43.8! Hallelujah! I want to cry and eat bacon on a stick to celebrate!!
 In reality though, I did get myself a little treat. I typically eat egg white omlettes for breakfast, and when it was super cold I would have oatmeal. I'm kind of over both of those things so while I was at Target last night I picked up a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. It's a little strange that I make my 4 year old choke down healthier cereal while I wipe sugary goodness off my face, but those are the perks of being the boss. I haven't had CTC in a long time. They're still yummy and I feel full for 300 calories (with skim milk).
 The cravings lately are kind of a mood killer for me. I try to make myself wait 2-3 days for the craving to pass or just die down enough if I think I can eat something without bingeing. Like chocolate. 44lbs ago I would eat a giant (for real, the biggest bar the stores carry) Hershey's with almond bars by my lonesome in one sitting, with no real thought to it. And yes, there are times when I do sort of miss eating with reckless abandon, but it's not worth it anymore! About a week ago I was ready to go to the mattresses for a hit. While torturing myself in the yogurt/candy (not a joke. That's how it's set up!) aisle I picked up a fun size pack of Hershey bars and happily saw that I could have 3 of those little beauties for something like 250 calories. Hot dang! I took them home, had my three, and then my husband ate all the rest. Jerk. I digress, after the three my craving was squished and I didn't feel the urge to kill anymore. Sounds great right? Yes, except there are cravings and then there are CRAVINGS. If you thought I was willing to take someone out over a chocolate bar, you have no idea what I would do to them for a giant bag of chips. I have wanted Salt and Vinegar chips for about 1.5 weeks now so badly I'm currently drooling on my keyboard a little. The skies opened up for me last night while in the chip aisle at Target. Market Pantry (Target brand for those of you not in the know, or not such a cheap-o shopper you can tell the store brand names of every store in a 50 mile radius) is now selling their Salt and Vinegar chips in fun packs!! There are 7 (I ate one last night) little chip bags for my lunches this week just waiting in the kitchen. Oh happy day! Now lets see how long they last :)

Tuesday Scale Tip

So I'm not thrilled with today. I know for a fact it is not "real" weight gain, but I'm up .6. And it is completely my fault. I had about 20 jalapenos halves stuffed with cream cheese and wrapped in bacon (oh. my. goodness.) on Saturday and then last night I had what is called Bacon on a Stick at the ball park. Holy Hannah it was good. I LOVE bacon so really the last 72 hours have been a win, but not so much for the waist line. All of the salt in bacon has me bloating up like a water balloon! I took it easier today and am planning on soups tomorrow and lots of water to flush it all out.
 In the grand scheme of things, it seems silly to be upset about .6 when I'm down 41! But to be honest, every time I see a gain of any sort more than two days in a row I start to think "Oh no. Is this the moment it all starts piling back on? Can I turn this around, or do I even want to?" That really only makes sense to a crazy person (me), but when I hit 30 lbs down I struggled too. It's like I hit a milestone and think I'm done. I am SO not done! Girlfriend has a waaays to go. My goal for this week is to be down 3 next Tuesday. It is so possible. I can do this. As much fun as it sounds to eat back 40 lbs in bacon, it is not worth having to start all over! I can do this!

Whoops.

I missed Tuesday's Scale Tip! And it was GREAT! As of this morning I am 42lbs down and loving every single second of it. I ordered a coat (my first coat purchased for warmth in 5 years, and my first ever 'grown up' coat) from Kohl's, my home away from home, in a medium HOPING it would not look like I stuffed myself into it next Fall/Winter. For the past 3 years we have gone to New York for Thanksgiving and each year I walk around in a hoodie or a thin trench coat. Neither are warm enough to stand up to NY cold, but if it fits, you wear it. Not this year friends. This year I'll be razzle-dazzling the crowd in a beautiful wool coat. How do I know this? Because it fits me now! Right this minute that beautiful medium coat buttons and cinches perfectly!! I may even have to have it taken in for our annual pilgrimage. I can't tell you how good it feels to have it on. I can't tell you how cute I feel in it! But I can tell you how excited I am to know I'm finally going to be warm.

Must Stop...

Eating like I'm still on vacation!! I really think I did pretty well in Texas, but I did loosen the reigns a bit. Now it's time to pull them back in and I'm having trouble with it. On Saturday we had couples date night at our house, where 4 couples get together for dinner and a movie or game. This month's theme was Home Town Favorites, so we all had to dress like the stereotypical person from our hood, and bring a dish that represents it. Um, YUM! I made steak and corn out on the grill (Hello, Texas!) and boiled baby gold potatoes. So good! Then I made jalapeno poppers and crosintini with cheese spread AND chips and salsa. Holy. Moly. I ate and ate and ate. Then for dinner last night I took the left over steak and corn and made asparagus and salad. Not terrible, right? Except that I washed that down with a big ol' margarita and three mini Twix. I forgot how much I LOVE Twix. It's a ridiculous amount.
Long story short, I have GOT to get back on the wagon before I get run over by it.

The Great State

I landed last night close to 9:30 after a week in the great state of Texas! It was a good visit with a bunch of people I love, and still there were people I love that I couldn't squeeze into the schedule. I always hate when that happens! It feels like the first 2-3 days kinda drag and then everything goes by so quickly. Next time BA, it's me, you, and a basket of sopapillas. I ate EVERY single thing I wanted. Some of it twice. I drank four margaritas at three different meals. I only worked out 3 times. You know what? It was GREAT! I was careful on days that I knew were going to be heavy lunch or dinner days and would go easy on the other two meals. I don't really snack ever at my mom's house so that isn't a big issue, and I only had two Starbucks the entire week (withdrawals!!). I did less mileage with the three workouts than I do here, but it aggravated my knee terribly so I don't mind that at all! Basically, I just lived it up while I was there, but in moderation.
And this morning I was only up .6 :)

Tuesday's Scale Tip

Will be on Wednesday this week. I don't know what's happening with me, but I'm actually up for the first time in 14 weeks!! I have decided to wait until tomorrow and see if it's a water weight/bloat issue. Or maybe I'm just praying it is! Either way, a record will not be made about this week until tomorrow.

Run!!!

This morning was a lovely Easter morning around here, and the one thing I asked for was a family walk this morning. Unfortunately, my boys couldn't get their acts together and I ended up going off on my own in a huff. It wasn't a shining moment for any of us. I walked the way I like to go, but decided I was going to be cutting it close on time for us to get to our friends house to celebrate the day, so I turned on the next road and decided to run the length of it. I did this the other night when we had to cut our walk short, but wanted to keep my burned calories high and hubs told me it was .7 miles. I was pretty happy with that! .7 miles without stopping was quite the feat for someone who barely runs. This morning I decided I would do the same thing, but when I got to the the road that signifies I'm almost done I saw the boys playing in a field and decided I would try to run down that road and back. When I got close to the end of that the boys were sitting on a tree stump cheering me on, and I decided to go ahead and finish the initial .7. I didn't feel that out of breath, I didn't think I would throw up, and my legs weren't aching. When I got back to the house I Googled the distance and saw that it was 1.1 miles!!! WITHOUT STOPPING! Holy bunny eggs. You have no idea how excited I was. I haven't ran a mile straight in over a decade. I felt on top of the world!
On a side note in the same vein, I realized a couple of days ago that things were finally starting to move in the right direction. I know that sounds dumb 35lbs down. I got out of the shower and for the first time in YEARS I wrapped the towel all the way around me and there was zero gapage! I even went downstairs to show hubs! If push came to shove I could answer the door in a towel (not that it would ever happen!) and not be showing anything inappropriate. For the most part.

Workout Shmurkout

Or better known as: I skipped a long walk yesterday and ended up going over my calories for a Quaker chocolate chip granola bar! I had about 8 million and 5 things to do yesterday so I opted not to work out at all. So dumb. I could easily have done the dance game for half an hour, but I chose to be lazy! On Livestrong if you go over your calories you get an annoying, and slightly panic inducing, red exclamation mark next to your numbers. I haven't seen that since February with all of the hubs birthday celebrations! I thought about that last night and decided I wouldn't beat myself up over it. It means I've gone 6 weeks without over indulging and that is a big accomplishment.
Secret: I still fantasize about buying a family size bag of chips and not stopping until I hit bottom in one sitting on a daily basis. I am trying to tell myself to hold off until Cinco de Mayo and the party we're having. For that ONE day I'm going to go a little chips and salsa crazy! I make a really yummy hot sauce. Like for real. I'm not sure I even care if that sounds braggy. It's delicious and I could easily eat it for a days worth of meals. And of course that is the plan! iOle!

Tuesday's Scale Tip

This morning was a GOOD one! I dropped 3.2 this week for a grand total of 35.4 since January 3rd. I really was discouraged in January when I was so heavy reading weight loss stories and how it took them what seemed (to me) like months and months to lose 35, 40, 60, 80, etc. There were so many thoughts about "Why bother?!" "Will I be able to do this for months and months??" and most depressing "What if I get too discouraged because I don't drop that fast and put it back on..." In 13 weeks I have lost 35 lbs! My goal when I sat down with my Dr. was 50 by the end of May. I asked him "Do you think that's possible?" and he said, and I quote, "Hell yeah." He could see that I was determined, and I could feel it.
The other thing I feel is eater's regret! Last night I went to our local mall to use a Bath & Body Works gift card my dad gave me for Christmas. I used to work for B&BW so I'm pretty much burnt out for life, but I do like candles so I figured I would use it on that. NEGATIVE. I like soft vanilla candles or cinnamon candles, and all that was on their shelves were REALLY over powering things like Coconut Water and Margarita Tangerine or something to that effect. Needless to say I left there empty handed and with a slight head ache! So when I got back to the car where the boys were waiting it was already 6:15 and we decided to eat around there instead of coming home. The only restaurants around there are Green Turtle and Don Pablos (and a new Olive Garden I forgot about!) so we went to DP. I legitimately tried to find the thing with the least amount of calories, because I knew I would eat chips and hot sauce. Flautas where the least caloric thing next to tortilla soup. Are you kidding me?!?! Everything was SO heavy in calories. I spent the rest of the evening in pain and carried it with me through to this morning. We will definitely be avoiding that place (at all cost!) for a long time. Even as I sit here now my stomach is in knots. And it wasn't even that good! Damn you eater's regret!!

7-11

Actually it's 7-12, but that doesn't make any sense. I went in to the gym today for the weigh in and have lost 7lbs in 12 days! Not too shabs! I still have no idea where that puts me in the overall competition, but I'm happy with having 7lbs less of jiggle!
I keep having to remind myself that it's not over though. That last weigh in wasn't the finish line. I am NOT on maintenance yet! Not even close. I even have a 5k this weekend, so I need to be careful what I put in my body. Granted I have been walking a 5k almost daily with my neighbor, so I'm fairly used to it. At least I hope! I haven't run at all this week so it should be interesting to see if I can run at all on Sunday. At least I'll be running with 7lbs less of me :)

Getting So Close!

We are leaving for Texas in 13 days. Holycowdung. It is SO close to being here and yet I am still 6 freaking pounds away from my goal for the trip! One minute I'm all "6? Oh I can do that in 2 weeks' and then the next minute I'm like '6! That's a LOT to lose in 2 weeks!' Something may be wrong with my brain... I am going to start packing today though. It's still very slightly chilly here and blasted hot there so I won't be missing anything I pack in the next few days. And I'll feel better having it out of the way. Annnd packing is probably my favorite part of any trip. I pack, unpack, and repack about 8 million times before we go anywhere! My husband always just lets me be in charge of packing for everyone, because he knows I'll take everything out of his suitcase anyway! When we go to Texas for Christmas the past few years I've been the one to pack the car too. It's like a 3D version of Tetris for me and I love it! I know, I'm a weirdo. It's cool.
Tomorrow is my last weigh in for the Biggest Loser contest at the gym! I really feel like I'm going to do well. Maybe not win the $500, but will be proud of myself! I'm still super glad I had this week to work on it. I've walked a 5K+ every day but Sunday, and on Sunday I danced for an hour. Basically everyday this week I've burnt 450+ calories more than I ate! Hopefully that will push my through tomorrow!!

Tuesday's Scale Tip

Yes, I did weigh in yesterday. No, it was not a holly jolly celebration. I DID lose 1lbs, which should be very satisfying, but it definitely means I won't hit 40 by the 11th. I keep trying to reassure myself that it's great and anything downward on my weight chart (thank you Livestrong app!) is a good thing! And I'm right. It is a good thing. I'm just ready to be further down the road I guess.
On a brighter note, there has been a LOT of outdoor walking going on! I definitely don't hate the treadmill, but am so thankful for this wonderful weather lately. I still have to wear long sleeves for the most part, but it's not biting cold! I do need to hit the gym this week before my last Biggest Loser weigh in on Friday. I was so happy to not have to weigh in on Monday! I would have not lost anything. Hopefully with a couple more walks, and maybe a run tonight, Friday will make me be the big winner :) I have no idea where I stand in the contest, because they write down your weight and percentage lost on a yellow card and then stick it in a box. There is no chart or way to gauge where you are in comparison to the other ladies! I hate that! I will say that when I was cruising through the "C"s I saw at least 2 women had already dropped out. You are only allowed to miss one week, and some have already missed more than that so they are disqualified. I was a week late signing up, so I can not miss this week! I do hope they reveal where everyone 'placed' at the end. I would like to see how close I was if I don't win. I really am not expecting to win either. And this isn't like an Oscar speech where the winner gets up there and acts all flustered and said she had no idea!! I honestly have no idea where I stand or how many women are even left! I guess we will see next week. Now cross your fingers, rain dance, chant, whatever it is you do for luck for me to post a big number this week :)

Tuesday's Scale Tip

It feels like I JUST did a scale tip a day ago! Today was another GREAT day!! I lost exactly 3lbs. My neighbor that I love says that you shouldn't say you "lost" the weight, you should say you gave it away, because we tend to look for things we lose. She's a genius. Anyway, that puts me at 31.2lbs down. Oh that feels so good! The measurements for this week, interestingly enough (to me, you probably don't care) stayed exactly the same. To the .25 inch!
We were installing a patio this weekend, after getting a wild hair and spur of the moment deciding we could do it while walking around Lowes, and it involved moving 20 (so far!) 16X16 HEAVY stones, ten 50lbs bags of sand, and two dozen smaller stepping stones. The large stones easily weigh 30lbs a piece, probably more. I kept thinking "Holy cow! I can't imagine doing this 30lbs heavier. I can't imagine how I did laundry 30lbs heavier!" With all the heavy lifting and extra working I was a little nervous that the scale wouldn't move a lot. My body tends to hang on to everything for a day or two after a hard workout session. Especially one that lasts more than a day! We still have about another 2 days worth of work to do, but I can already tell I'm going to like it a lot.
Tomorrow is my Dr.'s monthly weigh in. I'm pretty excited to see what he says about the progress. Last time I had lost about 15lbs on his scale (maybe 18 on mine) so hopefully there will be about 10 less on his scale this time (13 on mine)!

Thirty, Flirty, and Thriving!

Yesterday I woke up, took a deep breath and got on the scale. And then did a happy dance!! It told me that I was 30.2lbs down!! I couldn't have been happier. Until I got on the scale this morning and saw I was 30.8lbs down!!! Oh how I love to see those numbers drop. It makes my little heart skip a beat! (That could also be due to the 70lbs I have left...) I told myself at in January that if I lost 80lbs I would be thrilled, and if I hit 90 I can switch to maintain. Now that just seems silly! What's ten more pounds ;) I'm not an idiot. I know the last 10-20 can be the hardest. I'm now 3lbs away from being 1/3 of the way there. OH.SO.HAPPY!
I felt a little bad about the post about my mother, though every word of it I stand behind. She's a good mom and I do want her to be at her best, but you can't force someone healthy. As of today, I still don't think she's tracking seriously. My sister would have filled me in. I'm hoping to lose as much of 10 more pounds before my trip in April, and maybe then I can be more encouraging to her face to face. Maybe she'll see that I'm not messing around and that this is hard work, and sometimes it sucks, but it is possible! It IS possible! I'm 1/3 proof.

Tuesday's Scale Tip

GLORIOUS! Glorious! GAH-lorious! I new it wasn't going to be a terrible day today, because of my weigh in on Sunday. I knew I would at least lose a pound. Ta-freaking-da, today I am giddy to report I'm down 3 lbs! 3 of them. T-H-R-E-E. After struggling with that terrible 1.5 for a while, it feel amazing to see 3. It also put me 1.8 lbs away from THIRTY lbs down! I can't believe I'm that close to the big 30. That's roughly 1/3 of the journey down. Hallelujah!
Today I told my sister about this fun (ha) new way of life. She is already doing well, and is now pregnant with her 3rd kid. I've been keeping it to myself for a number of reasons, but I had to tell her today so that she could help me when I go see her next month. I don't want her to be geared up to eat out every meal like we normally do when I visit! But really, when you're surrounded by amazing Mexican food, what are your options but to inhale as much of it as possible?! And I completely do. Hence the need to let her in. I even told her a little about the race this weekend. All these things I said I wouldn't do!
Mostly I had to tell her, because my brother in law lost his mind and introduced my mother to My Fitness Pal, and I happen to be on it. I am not friends with my sister or bil on there, but had to make her swear not to say anything. I told her "Please don't tell mom I'm on this. I didn't want to say anything, but I'm down about 30lbs." She was happy for me and understood. Our mother gets really hyped up about diets and fads (hello Atkins!) for about a week and makes me a little nuts. Because my sister is the smaller of the two of us, my mother turns to me to be her sounding board and accountability. That should be fine, except she isn't really ready to lose her weight. She says she is. She may even think she is. But in reality, she isn't. She's been a yo-yo dieter for as long as I can remember. She likes "cheat meals" which turn into "cheat days" and then the whole thing is shot to hell, and we'll be hearing about how she's 'got to do something to lose the weight'. Remember how I said I've done Weight Watchers, but wasn't really ready, which is why I would weigh in on Saturday morning so I didn't have to worry about eating healthy all weekend? Who do you think I learned that little trick from?? I'd like to think I could be a support to her and this could be a turning point, but I know her and I know she isn't ready to put in the work. She won't prove that she's ready until she stops caring about what other people think and starts working it out for herself. She'll just start doing it. It's what I've had to do. I have a fabulous neighbor who has tried for 2 years to guide me to health and I would always smile and listen, but never really applied it. Not until I was really ready. Not until now, when I know that this is how I want to live. I no longer think about a 'goal weight' in terms of "when I cross that line I can forget these habits and chow down on some serious chips and salsa for the rest of my life!" (Which has been the thought process until this time) Now I know I want to be a healthier person. I want to know that I am doing everything I can to keep myself in a good place, and that where ever the Lord leads me I will physically be able to go! I know that when (and if) we get pregnant with a 2nd baby, that I will have done everything in my power to have a healthy pregnancy. That if the next pregnancy ends in miscarriage again, that there will be no doubt that I did everything I could do. But I digress... In a nutshell, my mom just isn't at that point yet. And I do not have the will power for both of us.

Broken Vows...

I was stressing so much over that stupid 1.5 lbs that I decided I would take a break from the scale. I said ONLY Monday and Tuesday. Wednesday was difficult to keep, Thursday and Friday were fine. Saturday we were up so early for the race (!) that it was no big deal, and then today... I broke my vow. I decided I didn't want to be surprised (aka, disappointed!) with the scale at the gym tomorrow. I wanted to have a good idea what it should say, so I stepped on mine one day early. I was happy with the results, and I was happy with going 4 out of 5 days so win/win.
Saturday was my first 5K. It was for a domestic violence home in a nearby town and there were about 300 racers. My ENTIRE goal was to finish. I told myself for a week "Don't be competitive. Just finish." Then I got there and thought "Just don't come in last. You WILL NOT come in last at this!" Because we had our son in the jogging stroller we had to start at the very back. When the race started the obvious winners sprinted away like it was nothing! I walked most of the first mile pushing the kid with the husband lightly jogging beside me trying to keep himself warm. Not long before mile 2 I decided to go ahead and kick it up a notch. From there I ran a bit of each mile and every time there was a downhill :). I would focus on one person about 3 people away, and when it came time to run I would do my best to pass them. Towards the end there was a lady walking with walking poles like Phil Dunphey on Modern Family, and I just knew I couldn't finish behind her! (Yes, that's terrible. Don't judge me.) And an older couple also pushing a stroller that kept pacing me. The older couple decided to go ahead and kick my butt right at the end, but I'm happy to announce that the pole walker and about 12 other people that would have finished in front of me were eating my dust. Of course that means they were walking at a nice brisk stroll, and I was wheezing uncontrollably past them. My guess is that there were 25 people that finished after me! Goal met.
There's a race that we are considering for this weekend for Ronald McDonald House, which I love, but I don't know if it will happen yet.

Tuesday's Scale Tip

It was dreadful. I am down a pound this week. Just one. I know that's better than nothing, but it definitely isn't as good as the 2.6 I NEEDED! I'm mostly aggravated with myself. I had to ask myself how much I want this today. It's easy to be chipper about 'lifestyle changes' when you are dropping big numbers every week, but it isn't so glamorous when the minor losses, or friggin' plateaus creep in. But I'll stick it out. I do REALLY want this.
Today we went to church, and I forgot my usual apple snack, but lucked out when the girl in charge of snacks brought in grapes along with the lick-the-box cinnamon buns. I'm sure I looked the fool measuring out a cups worth of grapes in my palm. Real mad scientist style. But I didn't want to cheat! For lunch I had the char-grilled chicken salad and a pack of sunflower seeds at CFA (our second home) and then swung by several stores before heading to pick up Rob. Of course while I waited for him I drove through Starbucks (there are only like 3 drive thru Starbucks here and it makes me ridiculously happy when I get to go to one! It sucks having to actually GET OUT OF MY CAR!) and picked up a java light with no whip. While ordering the menu board showed off their new red velvet truffle cake pop, which led me to thinking about the rocky road cake pop and all of it's chocolatey, nutty, marshmallowy goodness. I was on the verge of ordering one. Like it was going to be the next word out of my mouth kind of verge, when I thought "Do you want this bad enough to have to run for it? Will it taste THAT good?" The answer was no, and I left with just my drink. That has to show some growth, right?! If you say no, then you obviously have never had one and therefore do not understand. And I feel a little bad for you. Not bad enough to ever share MY cake pop though!

Fingers Crossed

Tomorrow is a dreaded weigh in day and I am dreading it. It's going to be dreadful. Are you seeing a common thread?? In reality, it shouldn't be bad. I'm betting I will have lost very, very little or gained nothing. I haven't gone over at all this week, and even worked out over the weekend, but I've been fighting 1.5 lbs for 9 days and would love to see it and about 3 of it's friends move along! My ultimate goal will to just not be depressed if it doesn't say what I want.
I do think I'm going to force myself to step away from the scales, with the exception of Mondays at the gym for the Biggest Loser contest and Tuesdays for my scale tip, for the month of March. I'm slightly obsessed with my love/hate relationship with the scale, and I think it would do both of us some good to get some distance. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, right? Maybe it will miss me a lot and play nice when I return to everyday (sometimes multiple times a day) use. I've used it everyday for two months now and keep it as my barometer for how I did each day. I've thought it kept me accountable for what I ate the day before, but right now it's just being a pain in my butt. Which expands and contracts about 1.5 lbs daily...

Inching Away

To date I have lost 3.25 from my bust, 5 from my waist, and 4.75 from my hips. I'm going to be real honest here with a giant "WTH!" I thought the inches would be more encouraging than the scale, but so far no luck. I'm trying hard to not get super discouraged and inch away from the whole plan altogether, but losing weight is hard freaking work and not usually a good time!
I have a goal of losing 40lbs before I go back to Texas to see the fam, which means I need to average out 2.6lbs of loss per week for the next 6 weeks. Is it doable? Sure. Is it going to make me cry a lot? Probably. I need to buckle down pretty hard core with no procrastinating. Totally my strong suit? Ha.
Tomorrow I have a play date scheduled, which lets face it, just means we moms have an excuse to get together for lunch and just barely watch our kids. I think I'm going to pack a wrap for myself and apple slices. And maybe Starbucks for breakfast. Yeah, I'm GREAT at buckling down...

Tuesday's Scale Tip

This week was not that exciting. After a milestone weekend, I apparently loosened the reigns a little, and gained a pound since Saturday for a total this week of -.8. It is kind of a bummer, but I keep trying to remind myself that every week can't be -4 and that .8 is better than .0. I don't know how much those reminders are helping!
Today after church a group of girls took all of our littles out to lunch and I stuck with my planned chicken nuggets and fruit, but in my head I wanted to leap over the table and gobble up my friend's fries and put my straw in her queso and go bananas! It took a lot of will power, and I am sure she is very grateful :) I satisfied that insanity with a diet Dr. Pepper, which I'm sure was almost as good...
The strangest feeling has started happening though. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I assume I'm losing my mind. Every day lately I have just wanted to RUN. And it's like 'girl, don't be silly! you aren't a runner!' but I still really want to get moving. Playing the dance game isn't doing it for me anymore. There is even a Zumba class tonight that I would love to go to, but almost would prefer to head to the gym and jump on a treadmill. It's crazy talk. It's me being crazy. It's me wanting to melt my fat thighs away as quickly as possible!

Milestone Day

I thought for sure that a glass and a half of wine last night would spell trouble on the scale this morning. I've had a glass before and been up a pound the next day, so I was prepared. What I wasn't prepared for was the freaking happy dance I did when the number came up! I may or may not have freaked out A LOT! I am down 25.4 lbs! You read that right. TWENTY FIVE! I think my brain didn't compute at first because I saw it and thought, "Oh. not as bad as I thought.... WAIT. WHAT?!" It's 1/4 of the way to goal! That seems incredibly out of reach and very attainable all at once.
On another note, I tried to jump rope tonight. Um, wow. That is basically a boot camp workout for me! I remember doing Jump Rope 4 Life when I was in elementary school and thought I was super awesome. Now I know I was awesome! Jumping rope is no easy task. Maybe for my next challenge I'll try four square or dodge ball :)

Tuesday's Scale Tip

Glorious! Today couldn't have started off better. I got up and saw the scale say I've dropped 4.4 lbs this week!! I love feeling like this is working and this is happening. So far I'm officially 23.2 lbs down in 7 weeks. That is 1.8 away from being a quarter of the way there. Saying it like that sounds kind of daunting sometimes, but it's true.
After that I went to church and one of my girl friend's asked me if I've lost a little weight. I smiled and said yes, but didn't want to blurt out "YES! 23 freaking pounds!!" and she commented on how hard it was and how she was giving up. She is about 5'8" and even after 4 kids, the youngest of which is about 18 months, looks amazing. She doesn't know what hard to lose looks like! Still, it was great to have someone that doesn't know how hard I'm trying comment that it looks like it's working.
We came home and I had a sensible lunch and have been craving snacks ever since! I have my workout gear on to motivate me to go tonight, so maybe that will kill some time and keep my face out of the fridge. Especially after a not-too-fun email from a client telling me how to do my job. Love those. That's not a stress eating trigger for me at all...
My goal for the week is to drink lots more water. On Tuesdays it's easy to bring my water bottle to class with me and have to fill it up a second time while I'm there, so I'm getting in minimum of 48 oz. in the morning. Other days, I don't think about drinking anything at all unless there's a Diet Dr. Pepper in the fridge. I should train myself better. I guess that's what this week is for!

Hoarder.

My husband called me a hoarder the other day. Not so much like the TLC show, but pretty close. I happened to be at a toy store that was going out of business and stocked up on gifts for every child's birthday party I know we are most likely attending for the year. Everything was 60% off! How could I refuse?! And now I'm set. 70% of our son's Christmas presents are now bought and stored! I even have gifts to mail back home for my nieces! He sees hoarding, I see smart. But, as far as calories are concerned, he may be right.
I can do great all morning. I eat a good breakfast. Today was Greek Yogurt with strawberries at the bottom for 120 calories and a 1/4 cup of Bare Naked maple granola for 130. Then I can wait happily for lunch, or have a small mid morning snack (apple slices). Today I had a PB2 sandwich with apples and a plum. All great, right? And then as soon as lunch is over I want SNACKS! All afternoon, from the minute I finish lunch until the minute I eat dinner I just want snacks. Today I've had carrots and hummus and low cal kettle corn (Jolly Time is my fav!) and a Fiber One bar. Still not enough! According to my Dr., I still have several hundred calories for the day, but I am choosing to go way under. That is so dumb. I feel hungry, and then feel immediately guilty for eating the calories I was TOLD to eat! I just think "You could have done without that. You know you have a weigh in tomorrow, and you could have been that much closer." This is not healthy behavior! Instead I will wait until about 8 o'clock tonight and squeeze in a couple hundred calories before bed. Again, dumb. I just have this intense image of me sitting at the table crying and eating a bowl of steamed broccoli for dinner, because I didn't ration my calories out for the day good enough. Which is also dumb, because I write all of my calories down for my three main meals the day before so I KNOW I'm going to have a solid breakfast, lunch, and dinner! Still, I can not make myself get over the guilt of eating during daylight hours, and the fear of starving through the night to make the scale be more friendly.
Will it pay off at tomorrow's weigh in? I'm not sure. I'll just go sit in front of the pantry and torture myself while I think about that question.

Dr. Says

I had my first monthly Dr.'s office weigh-in last night and he was beside himself at the results! I was down a solid 15 lbs from the previous visit a month ago!! Technically I started this journey the week before that and according to my scale yesterday, I was 19.8 down. It felt so great watching his reaction reading my LS graph. I've been pretty proud of myself, and the husband has been really supportive, but it's nice to have someone else on my team! It appears none of my friends have seen much of a difference as of yet. I'm really okay with that, but I think "how fat was I that you don't realize a 20 lbs difference?!" Maybe they just don't want to say anything, because they would be confirming that I was much larger to begin with that and that's uncomfortable for everyone. Who knows really.
At the Doctor we discussed a sustainable calorie goal too. I've been at 1212-1230 for about two weeks now and have had headaches and am super tired. He said humans shouldn't eat that small of an amount and upped it to 1550! I think that may be a bit on the other extreme, and am settling at 1350, but it was nice to know I wasn't crazy and was in fact starving. Funnily enough, I'm at about 1050 for the day right now and am completely fine. I guess it depends on the day! Now I'm off to have a glass of wine to beef up my calories. Dr.'s orders :)

Happy Valentine's Day to My Love,

PB2. I could not go a day without you in my life. You are amazing, delightful, and help me be a better me.
In all seriousness, I am obsessed with PB2. I know some people would think "powdered peanut butter? no, thank you!" but those people are missing out! For 2 tbsp(!!!) of regular JIF peanut butter you are looking at 190 calories. PB2? 45! One of my favorite neighbors and friends exposed me to it and I thought she was crazy, but when I decided to get serious about this weight loss thing, I ordered 4 lbs of it and have never loved a purchase more. 2 tbsp mixed with roughly 2 tbsp of water is all you need, but I add 1 tsp of apple butter to sweeten the deal. My husband and son, who also eat peanut butter daily, are now complete converts! I tried to make my son a sandwich with the old stuff so that I didn't end up throwing it out (I hate to throw away food. It makes me feel so guilty!) and he was NOT happy. He refused to eat it and asked me to remake it with the good peanut butter. You can order it here directly from Bell Plantation. Go ahead, and thank me later.
Today is also Scale Tipping Tuesday and it was a good one! I'm down 3.2 lbs for the week and 18.8 total. It feels so good! Tomorrow I'll take measurements. I don't know why I do that separately from weigh in day. It really means I'm having to hold myself accountable 2 days a week :) This week was particularly surprising, because we hosted a dinner party at a fabulous local restaurant for Rob's 30th birthday and I ate two pieces of the most amazing mozzarella bread I've ever had and a bowl of three cheese tortellini and chicken with sun dried tomatoes. YUM! But I've been good since that, and know that if I don't let myself indulge in situations like that I'll go crazy. Thankfully, there are no more parties in the near future. My scale is very happy about that!

Tuesday's Scale Tip

I weigh myself everyday. Sometimes multiple times a day. I like using it as a barometer for how well I did the day before, but I only 'count' what it says on Tuesdays. When I was doing Weight Watchers (many times over the years!) I would always work it so that I weighed in on Friday morning or minimum Saturday morning so that I could pig out over the weekend. I was obviously not THAT serious about weight loss then, even though I thought I was! I chose Tuesdays this time around, because I go to Bible study every Tuesday and because we are a one car family that means I have to get up early every single Tuesday to take Rob to work. Since that was a system already in place it just made sense to me, but it does mean that the weekends are no longer 'free days'. Not even a little.
Anyway, yesterday was a little underwhelming. It was the first time in 5 weeks I haven't lost anything. I didn't gain, but wasn't too excited about seeing the same number two weeks in a row. Especially this early in the journey! I feel like the size I am should be throwing up Biggest Loser numbers every week!! On top of that, yesterday was Rob's 30th birthday and he wanted Outback as a treat. I planned ahead and counted what I was going to have, and knew that between church and a photo session and car trade offs I wasn't going to work out so I would definitely be over by about 285 calories. No big, giant deal. After church all of my friends typically go to lunch at Chick Fil A to let the littles play some more, and I hadn't planned on going, but decided to last minute. I planned again, erasing what I was planning on having (salad and veggies) for nuggets and fruit. When we sat down the man brought over nuggets and fries instead. I can't tell you how packed this place was, but I can say with my 5 friends alone we have 8 kids between us and we were not the only play group there! I decided "forget it!" and ate the fries for 300 extra unplanned calories. I haven't had fries in a month, and people say your taste buds change after you start eating better, but let me tell you these were like warm, waffle pieces of heaven and I don't regret one ounce!
I don't know if you're adding this up, but 285+300=585 over for the day. And zero work out. It didn't make me feel great about my choices, but I'm trying really hard to not let guilt play a huge factor. I don't want to shame myself into a smaller size. I want to make good decisions so that when I am finally thin I won't think "I've made it! Lets eat!" Though I may celebrate with another round of fries...

Mindless Eating

I like to eat. In fact, I love it. It's a hobby, it's therapy, it's comfort, it's entertainment, it's dependable. The problem is that I don't eat a little bit. Instead I open a bag of something turn on a show, and don't stop until I hit bottom. I haven't done this in a month, and was so proud of that, and then yesterday happened. I'm a photographer that is currently waiting on a friend to give birth at any second and am a little anxious about shooting my first birth. I am feeling a bit of pressure (all self inflicted) to make sure this is beautiful and perfect, because the dad is currently deployed and this will be how he sees his baby for the first time! Like I said, bit of pressure! I knew I was tempting fate Wednesday night when I put white cheddar Cheetos in my shopping cart, but told myself "I'll portion some out and then the boys will eat the rest." Such a big, fat lie! I did portion two servings out and put them in their little Ziplocs that night, and then sat down yesterday with the bag and helped myself all the way to the bottom! That is SEVEN servings of Cheetos!! I was sick. I was mad at myself for doing that, and was literally feeling sick about it. I don't even have a real reason!
Today has been so much better. I'm throwing a baby shower (everyone is pregnant in my life it seems!) at my home tomorrow, and have been cleaning like a crazy person today. I think I'm going to sit down and make a list of things I can do to keep myself busy during the days to keep my hands out of the fridge. Things like finish the quilt I started a year ago, or clean the tops of the cabinets, or tape my hands together. Anything really to help me stay on track!

Inching Down

Yesterday was my weekly weigh in. I weigh in everyday, sometimes twice a day, but I only 'count' Tuesday mornings. I know that sounds obsessive, and probably is, but I am honestly okay with small daily fluctuations in either directions. When I get on and am .2 heavier than the day before I think about what I ate and how much water I was able to get in and then think of how to improve that so the number on Tuesday will be one I want to see. Anyway, yesterday was a great day! I am down 3.8 for this week!! After tracking for a month I am down 15.6 and feel wonderful. I track with LiveStrong religiously and have been trying to play Just Dance 3 on the Wii for an hour 5 times a week. Last week I attempted to run (most everyone on the planet would call it a jog, but...) and was able to do 7 minutes out of 35 on the treadmill. I was pretty impressed with myself :) This week I tried to soak in some of the crazy weather the Mid-Atlantic has been experiencing and head outside. I was running for about 10 seconds before I started to hear my heart rate monitor (Polar FT4, LOVE IT!) go crazy saying I had no pulse. I was breathing, barely, so I knew that couldn't be right, and realized in the four weeks I've been doing this I haven't messed with taking the chest strap in! It couldn't get an accurate reading, because there really is less of me and it wasn't firmly against me anymore!! That was confirmation enough, but luckily I started taking measurements last week of my chest, waist, and hips for the future when the scale slows down and I start to feel discouraged, and in one week I am down an inch in my chest, an inch in my waist, and 2.25 in my hips! Yippee!! One week, 4.25 inches gone.
The moral of this week: get a heart rate monitor (they are awesome motivators!) and start measuring yourself! Week to week will be very exciting for you :)

Starting... again.

Greetings! I know there is a world of weight loss and weight management blogs out in the world. I've read most of them. Now I'm inspired to do my own thing, at least for me.
I call this secretly skinny, because I am doing this without the help of 'real' people. I have 2 close friends that are aware of what's happening, my husband, and a host of virtual friends through Livestrong Myplate. I've found that the minute you say you are trying to lose weight people start inviting you over for dinner and doling out brownies! And I am not one to turn down a brownie (pan). So I've chosen to keep this to myself until I'm sure it's working. I know that won't make sense to a lot of people, and I know that support groups are amazing. I've done Weight Watchers no less than 4 times. I love a good group! But including people in my journey means opening myself up to their good intentions to eat bad things WITH me.
To date I've lost 13.2 lbs since January 3rd! I honestly don't think I could do it without the LS app. Weight loss sucks, and water is not as good as Dr. Pepper! I'm only starting to work out, but am enjoying what I do. Even if I look like an idiot dancing to the Wii in my living room!! I've paid for and am (ha) training for my first 5k. I have no delusions that I'm going to be RUNNING this thing, but crossing the finish line is crossing the finish line right now! Today I ran 7.5 minutes out of 35, which is shocking to me, but not good enough to call myself a runner by a long shot. Maybe tomorrow will be better! Maybe I'll run 4 consecutive minutes! Or maybe I'll stick to dancing to Katy Perry at home :)